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Causes of Divorce
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New!
NOV-12-04
13:4:22
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Forum: Christian Singles Member Surveys
RE: Causes of Divorce
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Submitted Anonymously
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I think it is all about the state of ones HEART!
The Bible says it is from the hardening of
peoples hearts.
God can't work with unwilling/hardened hearts.They have to be soft and want to have thier marriage helped.
God Bless
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New!
NOV-3-04
18:34:10
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Forum: Christian Singles Member Surveys
RE: Causes of Divorce
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Submitted Anonymously
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I have learned thru a divorce recovery seminar and
expierence that the #1 reason for divorce is lack of
communication. then financial strain on the family.
then infidelity. i have also learned that any marriage
based upon sexual gratification will never servive the
test of time because it is based upon selfishness. it
is based upon what can i get, instead of what can i do for you.
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New!
OCT-10-04
15:57:52
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Forum: Christian Singles Member Surveys
RE: Causes of Divorce
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Submitted Anonymously
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I was married for 19 years and have been divorced for 23 years. I have chosen not to remarry until now because I did not want to make the same mistakes. Neither my former husband nor I were Christians during the marriage. I became a Seventh Day Adventist Christian 10 years ago.
This could be a very long post, to express all I have learned about myself and marriage, but I will try to put my thoughts down succinctly. Baggage. Foremost, we are influenced during our lifetimes by our childhood experiences. If they were negative and unloving experiences, we must learn to recognize our misconceptions about love and especially, learn of God's love.
The ideal marriage is built on self-renouncing love by both partners. (For a good discussion of this please see the post, "How to Love a Woman".) Very few of us, Christian or not, are truly capable of this until we have lived a bit and studied a lot. God's way is the only way to succeed in marriage. If we put aside our own defensiveness, selfishness, and self-interest for the Other, and the Other does the same, we cannot fail. That is Jesus' way!
I could list self-justifications, wrongs, etc. as a reason for my divorce, and while some of these things are contributors, if I had had the ability to renounce Self and truly give my all despite my own unmet needs, I believe eventually my husband would have had to turn around in his attitude. That is how Jesus woos us, and it will work for anyone. This may seem simplistic to some, but if you honestly examine how you would behave if you were practicing this type of love, can you see failure?
Here I will state an exception. I believe one should separate from a partner who is abusing substances or abusing spouse or children emotionally, physically, or sexually. Only then is one safe to practice this kind of love, and God will help you through, no matter the outcome. He is in charge, and if we accept the comfort in this we can learn to be happy, married or alone.
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New!
OCT-2-04
15:57:46
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Forum: Christian Singles Member Surveys
RE: Causes of Divorce
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Submitted Anonymously
Female
51-60
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Divorce is a very difficult thing. When one has been raised in a kind, loving Christian home, one may be naive in many ways & not see things others do in a possible life partner. There were many things others saw, that I did not, that were never told me until after fleeing my marriage & home. Even an entire neighborhood where he lived debated whether to warn me before marriage that my soon to be husband was not good to his wife. He had been married before. They chose not to tell me.
I gave my vows completely with a loving heart and expected to be with my husband for eternity. Since he seemed to be a born again Christian & was doing all the things that would lead to that belief. Not because I asked him to, but because he said that that was what God wanted him to do. During courtship, I never saw any of the things that I had to later deal with in marriage. Meaning addictions to pornography, food, spending money, etc. Some of them illegal. Knew something was wrong and kept trying to work things out via books on marriage & also marriage counseling. 5 pastors have said not to go back.
Now have a different perspective. There can only be a marriage if both ppl are willing to be a marriage partner. One cannot do it alone. There needs to be openness of each person about the past, about what their expectations of marriage are, patience to listen to or help the other one, ability to communicate about things without always assigning blame. A desire to go places with their mate, instead of the mate always having to go alone. A trust of the other person. And I believe, a wholeness of spirit inside that allows each mate to stand as a strong person in God no matter what. If any attempt to work on marriage to make it better is seen as the other being a failure or imperfect which then generates great anger, then one has no place to go.
Safety is also an issue. When one mate will not listen to the fears of another mate & invites men into the home who then hit on the wife-even gives them keys to the home, who threatens violence via different means, threatens divorce over a simple disagreement, yells & screams, breaks things, throws things, carries out a campaign to make the wife look bad & himself to look good, etc., then the other partner cannot continue to be around that person. It many times becomes a life & death situation.
Having said that, in my experience, God has helped me forgive my ex mate & to tell him that. I am able to pray for him, but cannot be around him for he is unwilling to admit the damage he caused, take accountablity, work on changing, & therefore will continue to inflict the same damage-at least emotionally. Until I was away from him, I could not see how he was killing my spirit & how good it feels to live life without all that turmoil and fear. God is wonderful, brought me thru and gives us each day what we need to grow, to be kept safe, or to learn valuable life lessons. I thank Him for that.
There is a high price to pay for divorce. Especially when one has gone into marriage thinking it was forever & that a loving Christian home would be set up. It is a death of dreams, of creating financial problems many times, of losing friends one thought were there forever, of having to unlearn patterns of unhealthy interaction. Yet, with God, all things can be made beautiful in His timing, His plan. My heart goes out to all who have had to live this experience. One learns to look for the beauty in each day, to savor the small gifts of kindness from total strangers, a smile, a laugh, a flower. The ability when one flees- to give all to Jesus and then all of a sudden it doesn't matter if one has anything or not, for with Jesus, one has all:-)
It amazed me, when living in the violence shelter, to find that the others were all watching me. For I was the only one who didn't swear all the time, get very angry, smoke, etc. I never tried to preach to anyone, yet they evidently saw something different in me. There were several conversations about faith & beliefs. I tried to help with the children there- reading, holding, watching videos with. Made many friends. One day was pointed to & the others told by a shelter mate, "if you ever need anything, go to this one here (pointing at me) for she is connected to the Big Guy upstairs". That is when I realized how much that each of us is a model of some kind to those around us. I was also told that it helped the others to become much calmer when they talked to me. God did all that. I did not for I felt like I was a failure & in my own crisis.
One friend recently said to me that the reason divorce is so hard, is that God does not want to make it easy to happen. That marriage is sacred. That there is a price to pay when it is broken. I do believe that. Whether it be in spirit or in trust. But I also do not believe that God would have us stay in a life threatening situation when there is a choice. For we are the temples of God. Thank you for having this topic. It is making me think in different ways to read what others have written.
Lastly, in my experience, no matter how bad something becomes, God finds a way to bring good out of it if we give it to Him. In addition to bringing me through this experience, already He has sent people to be helped. It has been a priviledge to be able to help save someone's life. Fought for it. For because of living what I have, was able to recognize the signs in them & act to help. Only God has done that. I am thankful for all the people who went out of their way to help me & now I want to return the favor. Thank you for listening and providing a place where we may share:-) I would encourage everyone comtemplating marriage to study what abuse is & then apply the principles to their own situations. I did not know, therefore could not recognize the signs. God now shows me step by step how beautiful life can be.
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New!
SEP-16-04
15:2:57
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Forum: Christian Singles Member Surveys
RE: Causes of Divorce
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Submitted Anonymously
Male
31-40
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The other evening I began chatting with a girl from CSD. As in most cases one of the first things I was asked was about the circumstances of my divorce. I am a 30 year old male and have been divorced since 1999. In opening this subject Nannette asked some really good questions of which I had asked myself many times the first couple years after the divorce.
My ex-wife was the first girl I ever kissed. I loved her very much. In the end it was my decision to seperate from her, and later it became her decision to divorce.
Could more of been done to save the marriage? It takes two to tango. Three weeks after I seperated from my wife for infidelity she moved in with a complete stranger literally twice her age. She was 23 he was 46. For three months my wife asked to reconcile with me all the while she was having a live-in affair with this older man.
We both made our mistakes in our relationship, I do not deny that. Since the title of this subject is "causes of divorce" I am stating mine. My ex-wife was faithful to me all the time we were together, but when she and I were apart do to visiting family etc. for more than a couple weeks she became vunerable to lonely feelings. Twice during her pregnancy with our daughter once at four months and another at seven and a half months she had an affair with two different men.
After months of trying to work through that one night she confessed to me she did not think that it was wrong that she had seen other men. That is when I seperated from her and three weeks later she moved in with the older man I wrote about earlier.
One morning I called to see how my daughter was doing. The man my wife was living with answered the phone. For five minutes he used the most profound language ever invented to tell me what he was doing with my wife. I had never been more mad and hurt and a thousand other emotions at once like that. A talk with my pastor immediately after this gave me the spiritual focus to recieve strength to get through that with out doing something to hurt that guy.
Well, two weeks later or so My then wife was still asking to reconcile with me. I told her I could not proimse to do that after what I had ben put through. I had things worked out for her so that she would have a home to live in if she would agree to get counciling with her local pastor. I said we both needed marriage counciling before we could ever concider moving forward. She refused all of it. She said either I take her back "NOW" or she would file for divorce.
A few months later when the papers came I signed them...
I loved my ex-wife. I was faithful to her. In fact for nearly 3 years after the divorce I refused to date anyone because I never thought I could love someone again the way I loved her. Today 5 years after the divorce, I do not ask my self any of the questions I used to ask. I do not ask if there was more that could be done to save my marriage anymore.
The only option my ex-wife left me was to take her from another man's home to my own. Emotionally I could not do that. We would of had more problems than ever had I gave in and done that. What would of happened had she agreed to move out of his house and get counciling with me? I will never know... So I do not ask anymore. I just believe there is someone better out there than my ex-wfe (smiles).
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